call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My feet surprised me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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