my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
