Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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