I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
