I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
