You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it glows. i had to have it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
