how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
