8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
