I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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