OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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