Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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