Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
