if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
smell my finger.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
