Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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