Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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