How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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