You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
