if i can run in heels then i can drive
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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