And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
