New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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