My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
