I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
