yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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