She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
