I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
