im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
