I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
