saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
