today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
