my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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