i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
