i just wanna soil my oats bro
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
