p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
