his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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