So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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