but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
