those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
