Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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