she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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