hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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