I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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