Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
