hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
