why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
