god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
