just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
