Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
