piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
