Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
