Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
