I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
