how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
