I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
