Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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