im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
