If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
