My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
