theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
