I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
