I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
